If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
