somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
