my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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