you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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