I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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