Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
