My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
