I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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