Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I FOUND THE LEGS
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
