I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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