Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
