I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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