my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Oh god it's open bar.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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