Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So squirting runs in the family.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
