What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
