i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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