I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
