proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
