You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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