The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
