You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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