I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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