You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
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we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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