so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
