In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
