I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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