I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
