We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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