I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
she told me i tasted like america
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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