You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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