apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
