Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
