be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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