I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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