My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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