Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
