I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
