In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
