Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
