I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
