You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
