Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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