I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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