Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
