ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
