Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
