It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
