Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
