You're so nebulous sometimes
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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