if i can run in heels then i can drive
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
