Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
