Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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