thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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