Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
