this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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