After last night, I could never be a politician.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It was confusing and full of hummus
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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