I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My penis needs a shock collar
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
