I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
