My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
